1/2/2018 0 Comments Masturbation for the Sexual Abuse Survivor: 6 Major Mistakes and 6 Minor Adjustments1. Believing Your AbuserSome survivors of childhood sexual abuse have a negative association with masturbation because an abuser used it as justification to harm them or because they have experienced being forced to participate in other's masturbatory acts. Reclaim your pleasure! Solo Sex is the ultimate safe sex practice because it will not result in unintended pregnancies, STIs, or exploitations. Masturbation is one tool that you can use during solo sex or partnered sex (including watching porn, reading smut, and fantasizing among many activities). Masturbation can be done on your own terms, for your own benefit. It is revolutionary to relearn sex as a healthy experience free of exploitation. Survivors of abuse have to take extra care not to check out. So they should ground themselves by starting slow and working up to masturbation later. First, survivors should get to know their genitalia. Look at your genitals in a mirror. Tell yourself you're beautiful (repeat it multiple time with emphasis on different words until it sounds true). If you cannot masturbate without checking out or getting triggered, start with gently holding a hand over your genitals and breathe slowly. Send positive healing energy from your breath down to your vulva or penis. Rinse and Repeat. Be kind to yourself. Be your own healer. Next look at your genitals in a mirror. Send warm loving thoughts it's way. Sketch it out on paper even. Look at all the colors, blemishes, scars, and folds. They are uniquely you and they are uniquely sexy! 2. Benching the Other PlayersDuring solo-sex, we tend to hype up the genitals, and even though they may be the MVP, they do not make up the whole team. Even then do you focus too much on just one area of your genital such as the shaft of you penis without giving attention to the perineum and the anus; Do you focus only on the visible part of your clitoris without giving attention to you labia? People of all sexes and all genders may find various areas of their body erogenous. The back of your ears, your neck, your nipples, and your inner thighs are common places. But your erogenous zone could be absolutely anywhere, including the back of your kneecaps, your anus, or feet. Make sure you touch all over or play around with textures, pressure, and temperature. 3. Turning The Vibrator Up to Jack-Hammer-ModeThis is especially for people with vulvas who love their Hitachi Wands and Rabbits, equip with 50+ rotations, intensity settings, and combo settings. If you start with the highest setting and put it directly on your clitoris, you may temporarily desensitize yourself from orgasming. At best you may orgasm very quickly. Start with the low or medium setting and work up. Put a towel between your vulva and the vibrator when you do crank it up to the most powerful setting. This is especially useful if your clitoris is extremely sensitive. Move the vibrator over to other parts of your vulva slowly, including your inner and outer labia, and your vagina (the opening). Take the vibrator off periodically and use your hand so that you prolong the build-up to orgasm (edging). This will give you a stronger orgasm. If you just want a quickie, then ignore everything I said. It's okay to get there in a couple of minutes and go to sleep, but if you want a different experience you have to diversify the setting on the wand and explore all your vulva. 4. Turning Off The Lights And Hiding In A CornerIf masturbation seems like something shameful. Make a date out of it. Set the mood pick, a smutty fanfic to read, light incense, and pop a bottle. It'll feel more like a treat for yourself. Keep the lights on and set a scene that does not remind your of your abuse. Get into it! Move your whole body. Sit or lay in a position that is unlike the positions you were in when you were abused. Breathe deep, long, and slow. Moan and make noises. Your voice may ground you. Give your inner child permission to masturbate in private for their own pleasure. For many of us masturbation brings us back to childhood when a parent shamed us for a very natural act of self-exploration. Masturbation is rooted in a prepubescent fear of being caught and of getting in trouble. Masturbation is in fact a normal and healthy part of development at all ages. There's evidence now on sonograms that babies even masturbate in the womb! So, if our pleasure is that inherent to our development, even before an ability to feed ourselves, then it cannot be all that bad. 5. Checking-Out To Rape FantasiesRape fantasies for survivors can be relatively common, but survivors tend to feel extreme shame. If you masturbate to fantasies that resemble your abuse, then consider the aspects of the fantasy that are appealing. Perhaps sex seems like a reckless act that is always rooted in skewed power dynamics. Maybe sex and rape seem very intertwined for you right now. If that is the case, a rape fantasy may give you permission to "lose control" as it were. You may want to find non-abusive imagery that still have a dominant and submissive aspect to them, but that doesn't involve rape instead. this will still provide you the appeal of losing control without the distress of flashbacks and other re-experiencing symptoms. In "Healing Sex" by Staci Haines, survivors are instructed to narrate their actions. For instance, you might say "I am moving my arms. It feels good to move my hips. I am feeling ashamed, I am worried that my dead grandma can see me, I feel a wetness in my vagina, and this is exciting to me, this is scary to me, I am afraid I am not supposed to be doing this..." this will help orient you to the situation and normalize the shame you are actively working to over come. I would also encourage you to incorporate smells like common household products that are comforting. "I am touching my favorite soap." If these objects weren't present during your abuse they give you a quick and tangible way to reach out for the here and now. 6. Masturbating Just BecauseDo you touch yourself when you're hungry, angry, anxious, or sleepy? Just because its Wednesday? Learn to address your needs with the appropriate tools. That is to say, if someone blew you off for a movie date, you may have gone home horny and wanted to masturbate, or maybe you were not horny at all. In fact, maybe you were just lonely! If you were lonely, call a friend on the phone you haven't spoken to in a while. Go somewhere surrounded by people, because maybe masturbation won't fix the underlying issue. Similarly, many of us develop relationships with alcohol, food, drugs, and other vices that are there to fill an emotional void. If you are in fact hungry, eat. Do not eat because you're hurt, or because you've learned to celebrate accomplishments with food. Do not drink because you're bored and it's around. If you're ready to break some poor habits involving your vices and abuse but need the extra help... Call Me For A Free 15 Minute Phone Consutlation
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AuthorSexpert & psychotherapist, Quandra Chaffers, presents Sass-y comments on love, health, and relationships--Comments too tangential or racy for the therapy room. Archives
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