This notions that threesomes are a Christmas gift to married men who behave irks me for multiple reasons:
1. You're using it as a reward or a deterrent
Is this threesome a transaction or home training? Like a doggy treat that will get him to sit- sit at home for three more months, without cheating. Is this to buy yourself some peace of mind because you do back flips to keep him from being emotionally abusive to you, but you still cannot consistently predict his moods? I promise you that a threesome will not make him behave in these situations. It's more likely that the threesome will give him permission to do more of the same.
This one is specifically for my straight women in the audience, especially black women who have internalized the harmful racist and sexist myth that "What I won't do, Becky will."
Hint...We Must Include Intimate Partner Violence & Cyber-stalking.
When I started doing batters intervention work and providing sexual assault advocacy services, we in the field often talked about stalking through use of technology like GPS tracking systems as though they were rare, new-aged gizmos that only some abusers knew how to use. Now everyone has a GPS system on their phones, and these capabilities are built into several common social media apps. Stalking in "real life" was otherwise characterized as harassment at work, being followed home, and sending unwanted letters. Repeated sexting and texting was also just starting to be recognized as grounds for violating protection orders and the like.
However, in today's age, what happens online informs what happens offline. Everyone has a smartphone, and even the most unsophisticated stalker-abuser knows how to use one. Cyber-stalking is not its own form of stalking, it is inherent to stalking in general. To be honest, the old definition is the new definition but now we need to create safety plans and therapy services that address stalking online and offline at the same damn time.
Have you ever heard "if your cannot ask for what you want in sex, maybe you're not ready to have sex." I used to believe this maxim myself before I started having sex. I realized that my shyness prevented me from being directive. My shyness was mainly due to a lack of confidence. However, I eventually learned to articulate my needs all the same. My lack of confidence did not mean that I was too immature to be having sex. I also had a healthy and supportive partner. So, here are some tips for the shy person who has a sexy idea but who doesn't want to ruin the mood by bringing it up:
1. Put it on the menu
Seriously! Write it down as a literal menu. Put your desires on a pretty card, and deliver it to your partner on a platter. Dressing up in waiter outfit is optional. Ask in what order should you bring out the "dishes." You may also put other needs under each act, such as This dish comes with a side of dental dams and is delivered clean & sober. Just like in a restaurant, a person may decline options on the menu. Tell your partner that "the chef" may be able to whip up something off-menu.
Bare in mind that part of consent language is learning to hear no's and take rejection. When partners decline it may be because they're just not in the mood right now and so you could always suggest another time or a non-sexual activity in its place. Negotiation is skill all couples need to have inside and outside of the bedroom.