In the podcast I list the 6 aspects of BDSM: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. Dr Jones and I discussed how some abusers may misappropriate BDSM the way the actor Armie Hammer did with his partners. For instance, a person in a controlling relationship might routinely criticize their partner. They may insist that if their partner weren't so boring or frigid the two of them would be having more sex. The abuser uses this emotional blackmail to pressure the survivor into sex. Perhaps the survivor would be more open to sex if they weren't feeling so low all the time due to the constant putdowns!  Don't give into an abuser who introduces crops and paddles as a way to get more interesting sex. This may just be a cover-up to assault you under the guise of "kinky sex" you somehow "agreed to" when in fact this is a manipulation to disregard your needs in bed and have more extreme sex that suits him.

Real BDSM always starts from a place of mutuality and consent. Two adults come to the table and agree upon the kind of sex they want to have. You can be into BDSM and leave hard core impact play (i.e. whips, belts, and paddles) off the table. You have the right not to engage in masochism at all!

I mention that there are ways for survivors to reclaim their own desires and pleasures in BDSM without the pressure of an abuser. In the realm of Bondage a survivor may learn to stay present with their body which has previously been experienced as broken, dirty, ugly, or unsafe by relearning healthy touch. Some ropes come in soft materials like cotton and jute. Learning to weave intricate patterns around your own arms or legs can be very soothing and meditative. It's a form of solo sex that your partner cannot dictate. Dominance is one aspect of BDSM that is teeming with possibilities for misuse in that abusers may guise the control they exercise over your life as healthy D-S dynamics. Survivors might instead look for a Dom who wants no sex from them what-so-ever and instead serves as an accountability partner to designate time for them to achieve their individual goals or meet their basic self care needs. Surprising? BDSM can in fact never include sex and a real Dom might gain satisfaction in guiding a the submissive to meet a goal that has nothing to doo with the Dom. You D-S should not only serve your Dom. Sadism does not have to include anything that is self-harming, scarring, or physically painful. I would not recommend most sadism to people who struggle with self harm such as cutting and burning themselves. However, some people get a thrill out of being humiliated. Think about how many of us enjoy the game truth or dare. We might reveal an embarrassing truth to friends or badly sing a karaoke song just because we lost a round. Hence, there is Masochism in Truth or Dare. In that vein, get a friend to witness something vulnerable in you, but make a plan for them to take care of you in that moment. 

Safe ways for survivors to get to know their own pleasure is just to go to safe meet-ups for other kinksters called "munches" and ask questions. These are hang outs in vanilla spaces like beer gardens and coffee shops where experienced players and curious newbies gather in normal clothes to talk. It's better than making another novice. Where can you find munches? Scroll to the end to find out. 

It surprises some women to know that their rape fantasies are common. In a 2009 study by Bivona and Critelli, 62% of women had some interest in  resistance play fantasy or what might be more commonly depicted in a romance novel. When the researchers used the term "rape" rather than "over powered by a man," to describe the fantasy, then the number of women admitting to the fantasy dropped to 32% from 52%. 

As I talked about in the podcast, the rape fantasy which might be destigmatized by being called resistance play fantasy is very useful. In real life women are rarely taught how to ask for what they want and certainly not in bed! Resisting an emboldened, sexy man who is overcome with "passion" solves the problem of needing to ask for anything. It removes the issues of bumbling over words or not know what actually turns you on. The aggressive suitor can give you hot, rough sex and not need to wait for your direction. 

Of course in real life, NO ONE WANTS TO BE RAPED! Rape is a disempowering experience, an often excruciating ordeal that leaves survivors with extreme mental health issues. Rape changes the way we experience the world. Places that were once safe are now unsafe, the idea that most people are trustworthy is now unfathomable. Consensual sex in loving relationships are marred by reliving the rape, or checking out all together. 

Still, the resistance fantasy is freeing because if you're a woman who was raised to believe that her body must be defended at all costs and that ladies do not enjoy or want sex, then resisting is a way to maintain your purity while still getting the passionate sex you really desire.

Fantasies are a place of play. They exist in the realms of taboo and imagination. They're not meant to be literal. So don't be ashamed.

If you want to know more about how to find a safe play partner or maybe explore BDSM in a healthy way. Try looking for meet up groups near you using the site FetLife. Here is the bay area, we also have great educational venues Wicked Grounds and organizations such as the Society of Janus. If you're a person of color and want to explore in in BDSM without the white gaze, consider following groups like Kinky POC on Twitter and Black Kink Bay Area on Instagram and FetLife.

I joined my play brother for the end of Minority Mental Health Month to talk Bi-Polar disorder, Kanye West, grief of our civil right leaders, and even Only Fans! The Fellas Point of View podcast is queer, unapologetic, and filled with hot takes on moments in pop culture.

There are other celebrities that have spoken out on their struggles with bipolar disorder; Jennifer Lewis has a memoir that we mention wherein she goes in to details about her journey to manage the illness. Bi-polar disorder is treatable but some of Kanye West's recent rants might drive people further int shame and secrecy about the illness. Let's try to break down stigma. Listen to me try to break down that stigma here.

I had the opportunity to speak on a radio show back in February hosted by another extraordinary therapist by the name of Lily Sloane. You can jump into our conversation at 12:28, after I'm introduced by my theme song, Living in Midnight!

In the radio show, I talk in more detail about my journey to work to end sexual assault and how it led me to promote sexual health. I stutter through talking about an incident in college where I am convinced that I might have been sexually assaulted if the circumstances had just been slightly different. I did say in the the show that The World Health Organization (WHO) has a comprehensive definition of sexual health. It touches on multiple areas of health including mental, physical, and social while also, and maybe most importantly, promoting pleasure.

We go on to talk about preventative ways to fight against sexual assault. To me, prevention starts with age appropriate sexual education throughout the life course, womb to tomb. We discuss giving kids permission to say no to hugs, which is a precursor to being able to say no to sex.  Then we move on to why we must teach kids correct words for their body parts. We also mention this video about consent below using tea as an analogy. In previous blogs, I talk a lot about grey areas on the consent continuum and how adults have to relearn how to state their wants in bed in order to have better sex and avoid sex that crosses boundaries but doesn't fall in the category of rape.

 At the 47:12 mark we come back after a brief musical break by Fiya to talk about our fears of inadequacies in bed. I normalize how se changes in a long term sexual relationship. Lily normalized a partner being afraid to share a desire and harboring the truth about their needs for years. A good resource here would have been The Good Enough Sex Model. 

Here I get to answer questions from the readers including one about threesomes. I wrote an earlier blog about why not to have a threesome, and here is a great example of how in and of itself threesomes can be fun and healthy if we didn't have to deal with stigma. Ultimately, if our group of friends shame us for our sexuality, then they are not friends. Since one is a co-worker I would  have added that the caller should set better boundaries about between her work and personal life so that information about her sex life doesn't come out at the water cooler.

Then we briefly bring up dating in the Bay. Why is everyone poly! The truth is that not everyone is practicing ethical non-monogamy. They're just cheating. However, I break down good reasons to explore polyamory and touch on how monogamous people can also learn to value friendships and not expect their romantic relationship to fulffill all things

Once we get into discussing the misnomer of sex addiction, we're laughing and it's feeling a lot like a coffee date with friends. I've talked about Harvey Weinstein, and Kevin Spacey in previous blogs but this is a good run down of how masturbation can be used as a tool of violence. Behind the scenes, Lily and I also talked about how couples hold on to the label of sex addiction because most people would rather support a partner through an addiction, a medical issues than support a partner who is just "cheating." Partners tend to gravitate towards the label of addiction because the alternative would mean my partner doesn't love me enough; they would disrespect me through salacious acts like paid sex or choosing a fetish over me. Our job as therapists is to be gentle and help people reinterpret their partner's behaviors to see that it is not a reflection of how they do or don't care about their partner, but rather an out of control behavior.

​At 1:27:36 we come back and talk about empathy and activism. I believe that my work in therapy is rooted in social justice. We touch on how marching is a release for anger but that empathy and individual connections are where change happens

We then end by discussing our work as therapists and discussing the merits of doing trauma work like EMDR. We break down the myths and reassure the caller that therapy can be a gradual work and not a big catharsis. We debunk the tough love approach.

You got the call or the text you've been waiting for. Your loved one tells you they need your help. The abusive partner hit them during a big flight. One of the biggest mistakes loved ones make at the moment they receive this message is acting above and beyond the request that was made. "I need your help," can mean a lot of things. So, you show up with a U-haul and boxes ready to move your loved one and the kids out of the apartment. When you get there, no one is ready to leave. You discover that help meant "Take the kids for the remainder of the weekdays and get them to school on time." Deciding to rescue the survivor the former way takes away their agency whereas adhere to the request to escort the kids shows allyship.

And make no mistake that your loved one is "surviving." Look at the amount of emotional legwork involved in dancing around figurative landmines: appeasing their partner, maintaining a facade, managing household tasks, parenting distressed children, and going to work on time. All of this takes a lot of finesse. Your loved one excels in this dance everyday without your help. They are strong, capable, and smart which are not qualifiers we tend to extend to the stereotype of a "battered woman [person]." Remember they entrusted one aspect of that dance to you, and if you overstep the request, this will only show them that they cannot trust you, that you judge them.

To the last point don't give your help with conditions. Attaching strings is often a common tactic of abusers, a tactic your loved one will recognize all to well.

"If you don't leave them in three months, I cannot watch your kids anymore. You're setting a bad example for them!"

"I'll pay your rent on a new place if you just leave him."

When your help comes with contingencies, your help only builds resentment. It also might give the survivor timelines they cannot realistically meet. Your loved one needs to make decisions without added elements of control and additional barriers because they already live with control and barriers to leaving as is. To that point...

A colleague of mine at a previous agency used to start a presentation she called Intimate Partner Violence 202 with explaining how she and her non-abusive husband had been together for 12 years. She explained that if he were to punch her in the face that night, she wouldn't leave him immediately. Do this exercise with yourself: Imagine that your significant other punches you and I tell you to go to shelter tonight. What stops you? Do you want the familiarity of your bed? Do you think about getting to work on time? Would you go, if you weren't responsible to an aging parent or pet? Would you consider that this is the first time and worth a second chance if it never happens again? With your exact educational level, income, support networks, and self-esteem, this could still happen to you. Try to extend the same empathy to your loved one.

Indeed most people wouldn't just leave.

The reasons are often complex and unique to individual circumstance. Most survivors want to exhaust all options before ending relationships of some investment. Maybe they want to see a couples therapist (even though it is bad practice to provide couples counseling to someone who may be in danger of further retaliation at home when sessions ends.) More appropriately, your loved one may encourage their abuser to seek counseling services of some sort (12 step programs, religious counseling, batters intervention services, etc.). Finally and most importantly, the survivor may be terrified to leave and need to buy time to do so safely.

I have heard stories of abusers destroying apartments and draining bank accounts at the point that survivors were leaving, effectively bankrupting the survivors and preventing them from passing background checks to new places to live. I have read stories of abuser camping out in front of doors to bar his partner from sneaking away in the night.

Another huge factor might be stigma. It can be difficult to leave a relationship with social status or celebrity status. Meaning the person may be viewed as part of a power couple or have built a reputation on having an ideal marriage. The survivor may face the prospect of being a single parent and this stigma may be compounded at the intersection of being black or poor. There's stigma related just to being single after many failed relationships. There's a lot of shame when a family member may have told you from the start that the relationship wouldn't work, or when the survivor bragged about how wonderful the relationship was in the beginning. Perhaps the survivor hoped to interrupt a long history of divorce and unwed relationships.

If the violence is escalating, getting in between the abuser and the survivor could be dangerous for both you and your loved one. Minimize the damage, but do not threaten or physically assault the abuser. Remember that your loved one faces retaliation even after you leave.

I actually think that confrontation can be helpful in some circumstance of verbal abuse. If an abuser is putting the survivor down in front of people. Tell them that their language is inappropriate. Many abusers think that their criticism is valid and feel entitled to putting down their partners. Many survivors begin to believe the emotional abuse over time. One way abusers do this well is finding the survivor's insecurities and blowing them up out of proportion. So, help your loved one to keep inventory of the abuse because the abuser may have a tendency to "forget" what happened and gaslight the survivor. Additonally, sticking up for a survivor in these instances of emotional abuse shows survivor that what they are experiencing is not normal, funny, nor is it okay. 

Most likely, you are not a matchmaker or a therapist. Don't tell them how not to provoke their abuser. Do not read them a laundry list of their flaws, challenges, or supposed contributions to the problems in the relationship. Do not counsel them on how to get back together or improve the relationship. All of these things implies and equal playing field where both people just need skills to make the relationship succeed. In abuse, there is not equal playing field. There is always ONE person who is primarily to offender and ONE person who is primarily degraded and afraid most of the time.

Yes. You may have left a toxic friendship. You may have even left an outright abusive, romantic relationship. Even still, your situation is not their situation. People can have very similar experiences and walk away with starkly different feelings, mental health challenges, and impacts on their future. Also, pontificating will alienate you from your loved one. It may also play into the abuser's hands. A common emotionally abusive tactic is isolating the survivor. The abuser may tell the survivor that you do not understand their love and use such pontificating as proof that you are judgmental of your loved one. Imagine how lecturing about your relationships plays into this narrative. Obviously, it drives your loved one back into the abuser's arms.

This will feel like throw away advice to some survivors. In some cases "It's not your fault" is all they need to hear. Do not just say this upfront without hearing some details of what the survivor is going through or else it may come across as hollow.

The survivor may specify something like, "You know I did hit them, too" or "She's just been under a lot of stress."

Make sure the blame is squarely back on the abusive person's shoulders and not the survivor's by reminding them, "We all go through stress. It's never okay to take it out on those we love."

​Likewise, you may say "I see you trying so hard to look out for them. Defending yourself is not an excuse for them to hit you."

Pressing charges is not always right for everyone. Some people of color, immigrant populations, and queer folks have had poor relationships with the criminal justice system. At the same time, do not assume that your loved one does not want to pursue protection orders or criminal convictions just because they are part of a marginalized group. Some cities also have trained detectives and first responders in specialized units who support survivors moving through intimate partner violence.

Also, advocates are often employed or volunteered through civil courts to walk your loved one through the very complicated process of filing protection orders and moving towards trial. During these proceeding, survivors often have an urge to word vomit months and years of abuse. This confuses judges who are looking for succinct answers. An advocate knows how to help the survivor focus, calm down, and speak to the lethality of their situation with brevity.

​In addition, individual therapy can provide a safe space for the survivor to heal from trauma. EMDR Certified therapists like myself, specialize in somatic work, challenging negative thoughts, and decreasing the impact of trauma symptoms like flashbacks. EMDR can help people find a new sense of normal after leaving abusive situations and while navigating ongoing triggers due to having to co-parent smoothly, divorce amicably, and battle for custody.

Ultimately, you are just as important as any legal aid, police officer, therapist, or advocate. If your loved one asks you to escort them to court, make sure you do not speak for them. If your loved one asks you to sit with them while police respond to their home or take a report, do not interject. Your testimony can corrupt the investigation for later.

Reframe from the urge to chastise you loved one. Listening does not include us preaching. Do not shame them for raising kids with an abuser, or question their image as a strong person. Sometimes they really need to vent about something that the abusive person did. Instead label any acts that are emotionally abusive as such, and help your loved one name their emotions. "I'd be mad too. You seem really hurt by that."

Again, abusers have a tendency to isolate their victims over time. If you stop reaching out because you become frustrated you leave your loved one without support if and when the violence escalates. The abuser may do things like monitor your loved one phones calls, texts, and social media messages, making it difficult to respond right away. So, do not take long gaps of time without contact as a personal slight against you. 

Also, survivors may break up and go back to the abuser several times, but often times when some one makes up their mind to leave they really mean it. The abuser may try to wear them down with promises to change. As mentioned earlier, the survivor may want to try one last ditch effort to salvage the relationship. They may want to trust the abusers promises, gifts, and pseudo-efforts to change. They may want to appear as though they are serious about leaving without really severing the entire relationship. All of these efforts to elicit change in the relationship are normal albeit unlikely to work. Remind loved one that you're here for them no matter what they choose.

Firstly, let the survivor know that if they are experiencing physical violence to avoid hard surfaces during a fight. This means, that moving towards bedrooms may be their best bet when staying inside the house and navigating an escalating conflict. Kitchens and bathrooms pose the biggest risks for injury because there are knives, counter tops, and more blunt objects. Secondly, help your loved one identify short term and long term solutions to their problems including financial support. Thirdly, come up with code language to designate that it is okay to talk or text freely like "Hey! Do you want to study later at the dining hall?" Hang up immediately or wait for the survivor to text you first if the answer is "no."

Bear in mind that the risk of violence goes up 7x at the point that the survivor is trying to leave a relationship because the abuser is losing control and is likely to escalate to more desperate means of maintaining control. Be exceptionally careful not to leave evidence of plans lying around where the abuser can find it. One of my favorite safety plans is by Love Is Respect. You can find it here for guidance.

Do listen, but know that the abuse is not because the abuser drinks too much, has an anger problem, has their own mental health issues, their own abuse history, or any other excuse. Many survivors will internalize these things about their partners and think, "If my partner just get's help then the abuse will stop. I should have know better than to ask him that while he was drunk." Abuser will often appear very apologetic after and episode of abuse and externalize their abuse onto an outside factor like alcohol. Outside factors like alcohol may make them more unpredictable and less able to temper their violence, but they are violent even when they are not drinking. They sometime drink first to intentionally scapegoat their actions. When you hear yourself about to lecture, or agree with these excuses, bring your focus back to the survivor's safety instead. Say things like

• I'm really concerned for you.
• I'm scared for your life.
• I worry for you sometimes.
• That last argument was really scary.