12/28/2017 0 Comments 10 Wack Reasons to Have a ThreesomeThis notions that threesomes are a Christmas gift to married men who behave irks me for multiple reasons: 1. You're using it as a reward or a deterrentIs this threesome a transaction or home training? Like a doggy treat that will get him to sit- sit at home for three more months, without cheating. Is this to buy yourself some peace of mind because you do back flips to keep him from being emotionally abusive to you, but you still cannot consistently predict his moods? I promise you that a threesome will not make him behave in these situations. It's more likely that the threesome will give him permission to do more of the same. This one is specifically for my straight women in the audience, especially black women who have internalized the harmful racist and sexist myth that "What I won't do, Becky will." 2. You're Being sexually objectified (and So is your Third partner)Rewarding your man with a threesome he didn't ask for, or surprising him with one diminishes you to an object. Think about how you would surprise him with a new pair of expensive sneakers. Do you ask the sneakers how they feel about foot hygiene? Do you ask them their preferences on being worn by men versus women? Do you ask them how they identify sexually? No, because shoes are not people with complex ways of feeling, being, and interacting in the world. But you COULD ask a partner (both your man and the person you're inviting into your sex life versions of these questions). You may ask about their sexual hygiene? You may want to know their STI status. Everyone in the threesome should be able to discuss and incorporate something that they find sexy into the scene. You should know whether or not you're bi-sexual, pansexual, polyamorous, hetero-flexible, or just straight. You should care to know these things about those involved. 3. You believe that all men cheat (or want to)Faithful men exist... That's all I have to say. 4. You believe threesomes are the ultimate conquest the end all be all of sexual exploitsNot all men think threesomes are #Goals. First off, some men are naturally monogamous and may only want to sleep with you. Go figure. Secondly, some men have been there done that. I have met men who have experienced threesomes once and were disinterested in ever re-experiencing it because the novelty had worn off, or because it just was not their thing. Thirdly, for those men who do have an interest in opening up a relationship, his reasons and his interests in doing so may not be fulfilled in a threesome. Which brings me to my next point... 5. You're trying to curb an emotional affairMaybe, he likes the idea of being with you primarily but is beginning to have feelings for someone else. If this is the case, you cannot negotiate a threesome to save your marriage and you cannot open up the marriage without discussing boundaries and desires first! Failure to do so will almost always result in further distrust in the marriage and give permission for him to seek out more extraneous emotional and sexual relationships behind your back. 6. You're ignoring other ways to spice things upDo either of you have atypical interests like a latex fetish, bondage, or cross-dressing? There are communities online and offline that couples can explore together in order to encourage more communication between the two of you and spark something new in your sex life without ever having to actually sleep with someone else. 7. You're limiting men to one type of fantasy and one type of sex actMaybe he just wants to spice things up with you but doesn't know how else to do that because threesomes are the only acceptable masculine activity that we give men permission to explore. For instance, maybe he'd be interested in inverting gender roles so that he's submissive. The problem here for straight women is often we misinterpret these desires and put judgments about his sexual orientation onto these acts. If your man really wants you to take charge in the bedroom or dress up in masculine clothes it allows him to explore themes of trust, inhibition, gender roles and to be someone he's not outside of the bedroom. It's different. It's fun. It doesn't necessarily mean he's a sex addict, planning to stray, or that he's gay. 8. You've never actually asked about your man's desiresNow, if your partner has mentioned that he's always wanted a threesome, then maybe this isn't an assumption. However, do you know some things about his greatest fantasy? Do you know some things about yours? Maybe he'd like to simply DISCUSS, not act out a fantasy. There's cross-dressing, anal play, sex in odd settings, and a host of other activities. 9. You're not into women (and you didn’t consider involving men)For yourself, if you never wondered what it would be like to be with women or don't find yourself turned on by some aspect of sex with women, just don't do it. Sex is most fun when all people involved want to be involved. Performance-based sex is going to be miserable for you. However, if you or partner would be interested in a threesome but just not with a woman, then switch up the script! We've seen this movie before. Does it have to start man's erection and end with his orgasm? Could it be mostly about your pleasure? Would he find it hot to see you with another man and he take a passive role watching? Would both of you want to be with a man in bed at the same time? If neither of you are ready to physically act on a threesome, can you both incorporate it as a fantasy just between the two of you? 10. You believe the lie "I am not enough"Pause Dig Deep Do the words "I'm not enough" feel true? If your only reason for engaging in a threesome is out of fear, fear of losing your partner, fear or failure at your marriage, then I want you to figure out where that fear roots inside of you. Whose voice is saying "You're not enough"? Is it an abuser who told you that no one else will ever want you? Is it a partner who left you for someone prettier or more sexually available? Did your parents' tell you that you'll never keep a man? Did your unhappily single or married friends "yes girl" each other over cocktails? Maybe you're ready to let this belief go because you realize how harmful it has been to your ability to be sexual and loving in your relationship. I can help you feel confident in yourself and your sex life. Call me for a free 15 minute phone consultation
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AuthorSexpert & psychotherapist, Quandra Chaffers, presents Sass-y comments on love, health, and relationships--Comments too tangential or racy for the therapy room. Archives
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