How To Have the Talk... Herpes Edition

Are you one of the 20% of American living without some form of Herpes?
 
Herpes is so common but we treat it as a selective mark on only a few promiscuous and reckless individuals. Herpes-1, commonly known as the cold sore virus is quickly surpassing Herpes-2 for all new genital herpes infections. A sixth of Americans have Herpes-2. A fifth of those infected have noticeable outbreaks, another fifth never see ANY symptoms but can still pass the disease. The other 3 in 5 see such minor symptoms that they mistake it for something else like a cut from shaving too closely or irritation from rough sex. Meaning, to have a conversation about when to disclose we have to have a conversation about the sheer amount of people who do not know that they are infected in order to disclose.

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Top 5 Reasons to Disclose

1. Builds Trust: When you disclose having Herpes, partners will generally be impressed with your honesty. Chances are your partners won’t slander you like Quantasia Sharpton did Usher because they’ll admire you more for caring about their sexual health enough to have an open discussion.​
2. Improves Consent Language: When we learn to disclose our STI status with confidence we become better communicators. For instance, you can apply the same skills when renegotiating sexual acts. Most of all you get good at hearing “No” and “Maybe” without being defensive or pressing for a “yes”. Consent language is about being able to tolerate the risk of rejection and to know that you’re partner’s sexual needs are not about you.
3. Builds Solidarity with Others: You may be surprised to learn how many people in your own life have had a STI scare. I came out to one of my friends after a run in with Trich. One of my friends told me about how she contracted Chlamydia from her partner because he performed unprotected oral sex on her. She was under the impression that oral sex was always safer sex. We stopped feeling alone because we could share our sexual struggles with each other. ​Not talking about STIs creates a bubble of secrecy and increases stigma. How are you going to navigate your partner finding those blue pills on your counter? Are you going to stonewall them for a week while an outbreak heals? If you have sex with someone without disclosing how do you contend with the guilt of having possibly infected them? You don’t have to hide aspects of your health when you disclose upfront.
4. Challenge The Lies We Tell Ourselves: Newly diagnosed people have a lot of strong emotions characteristic of grief including shock, anger, and sadness. Anything more extreme than that such as depression or suicidal thoughts I would characterize as part of an ongoing disorder or pattern. A herpes diagnosis is probably the most recent trigger. It’s easy to adopt negative thinking such as “I’m unlovable” and “it’s all my fault” after contracting something incurable but when we meet people who accept us it creates a natural counter to negative thinking. Therapy can also help in this.
5. Helps Us To Choose Better Partners: ​I don’t always have sex on the first date anymore because I’m always looking for reasons to trust my partners first. Especially if you are living with one of the Big H's, an incurable diagnosis may help you to be a better judge of character. People who talk about others judgmentally and people who hold their past partners to higher standard themselves don’t get in my panties. My partners more often than not to have genuine emotional connection with me before we sleep together now, not just primal energy.

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Top 4 Risks to Disclosure

1. Being Wrong: Doctors don’t routinely test for Herpes even when you tell them “test for everything,” because they literally cannot test for the dozens of STI out there. Often times doctors will provide a panel of STI testing exclude Herpes because of the STI's out there it is not well funded for research to eradicate the disease. Also, Herpes will not cause long term health consequences like the destruction of your liver, or weaken your immune system, or cause infertility issues. In fact, sometime doctors don't get good training to identify Herpes at all, the way they may be trained to identify and test for the curable STIs. They often eye-ball the problem, and tell people it "looks like Herpes." So, make sure you know for sure that you actually have Herpes with a herpes anti-body test and preferably a culture to back it up before disclosing your status.
2. Being Rejected: Reframe any rejection as an opportunity to cut out the partners who do not deserve to hold your story. Your story is an honor and some people don't deserve to know what you've been through. However, some potential partners might even be so kind about your disclosure that you’ll wonder what could have been if you were just Herpes-free. It’s okay to wonder for a while, but there is someone just as good who will accept all you, including your diagnosis.
3. Killing the Mood: Consistently, I’ll hear people say that stopping to talk about their STI status and safer sex practice will kill the mood. My first suggestion is to talk before getting hot and bothered. However I have had perfectly good conversation about my status in between kisses, and just before taking off our pants. Keep in mind avoiding “the talk” does not guarantee good sex. Other factors like being visibly anxious about sex and in your head about passing the disease also contribute to the mood.
4. Partners Abusing You: I used to volunteer for a batters intervention program. The participants would claim that their STI+ partners must have cheated and victim blamed them when in all likelihood she either had the virus for a long time unknowingly or the abuser actually passed it to her a-symptomatically. Accusing her of cheating or being promiscuous became a type of emotional abuse. They would also use her STI status to justify abusing her in other ways, including physically. Part of my work was forcing them to be accountable for their violence and another part was educating them on how STI’s actually work. Ultimately, I do not think survivors owe their abusers explanation for possible exposure to Herpes. This disclosure comes with risk to the survivor’s immediate physical and emotional safety. Finally, I do not think that anyone is obligated to tell their rapist that they may have passed Herpes during an assault. Abusers tend to be egocentric and fall back on denial tactics so that they do not have to be accountable. That is how they felt entitled to your body in the first place. A conversation with a person like this might be unsafe, retraumatizing and triggering. So just don't bother.

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Top 5 Tips For Disclosure

Hopefully now most people are on board with having “the talk.” There are many ways to do it but here are some tips. 

1. Be Succinct: Don't ramble. Your date may have a previous experience with STI's such as a long term relationship with someone else that has your particular type of Herpes. If you go into a long, prepared speech about how it's spread, and it not being big deal, and all the precautions you take, you may not hear them interrupting you to explain their experience. They may not need the speech to feel comfortable negotiating the sex you're about to have. So, always give space for replies. 
2. Act Like It's Not A Big Deal (Cause It's Not): Look cool and confident even when you don’t’ feel cool and confident because you prefacing the disease as something horrible will frame your partner’s viewpoint of the disease as something horrible.
3. Use Humor: If you know your partner well, joke about something in their past that seems serious. Put their issues on even kill. Claim that you've murdered someone and then say "Just kidding." Explain how you have Herpes and it' not as bad as some things in life. 
4. Give Resources: Google is not always your friend. I discourage my partners from searching pictures. Half of what will appear by pressing the images tab will not actually be herpes and most pictures will be close ups of bad outbreaks in bad lighting. I instead direct them to sites like Herpes Opportunity and books like “The Good News About Bad News”
5. Discuss Needs: Maybe someone would feel safer if you use female condoms which protect more surface area of the skin. Perhaps they wish more time to research for themselves. Maybe they would just rather decline for whatever their reasons. Respect their needs.

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