3 Steps to Building Your Brand of Kink

​"I don't know. I love sex and all but… do you think I'm kinky?"

You probably are if one or more of the following appeals to you:

1. Your partner spanked you with an open hand in the bedroom and you wanted it to go up a notch.
   
2. You enjoyed a good game of boss-secretary once and wanted to get back to that role play ever since.
   
3. Your head game is legendary.
   
4. Perhaps you and your partner want to "spice things up," but have no idea of where to start.
   
5. You imagine that not everyone else is as open to exploring and going "crazy" in the bedroom.
   
6. It could also be that some very niche pornography or activities turn you on. 

You like many people realize that there is a great big world of sex and sexual activities that you may be willing to explore but feel a little like you're out of your element. Sexual Abuse & Sex Solutions is here to help you navigate your way back on course. I want to shape your own brand of sexual being, whatever that may look like, even if it does not include BDSM.

Step 1: Develop the Right Vocabulary

Let's make sure we're all working with the same language. A broader vocabulary for what you want and who you are only makes you that much more confident to stand up as your true sexual self. Vocabulary also helps us to communicate our wants and desires correctly to our partners. The world health organization has a great working definition of sex and healthy sexuality. So, we will start there.​

• Sexual Health- A state of physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination, and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled (World Health Organization)​
• Sex- 1. Physical acts of genital intimacy between persons of the same (homosexual) or different (heterosexual) genders. -Consensual acts done for one's own pleasure as in solo sex (i.e. masturbation, reading erotica, fantasizing, etc.) or consensual acts done for the pleasure of self and others when partnered sex (i.e. intercourse, sexting, strip teases, oral sex, frottage, mutual masturbation, etc.) 2. Body parts and organs specific to genitalia (i.e. intersexed, male, and female.)
• Intercourse- Penetrative sex of the anus or vagina, typically involving a penis. (.i.e. inserting a strap-on harness or dildo into a partner's vagina)
• Sexual Orientation- Describes who you love and deals with who you're attracted to (i.e. heterosexual, hetero-flexible, gay, lesbian, pansexual, asexual, etc.)
• Sexual Identity- An individual's self-perception regarding his/her/they're/her own relationship to sexuality. Can include gender, a personal way of being and interacting with the world as a man, woman, or trans person (i.e. cis-gendered, gender non-conforming, queer, gender fluid, etc.) Can also include sexual orientation as a "lesbian," "gay man," or "straight person." Can also include ownership of one's own sexuality as a means of interacting with a community or within a relationship (i.e. Kinksters, Burners, Dominant, Submissive, Daddy/Little, Owner/Puppy, Master/Slave, Monogamous/ Polyamorous).
• Polyamory- The practice of loving more than one person at a time or engaging in ongoing, sexual relationships with more than one person when all parties are aware and consenting. Poly for short. 
• Erotica- Prose or written stories used to elicit a sexual response. When specific to fanfiction of film, television, or literary fiction, erotica is referred to as smut, lemons, or limes
• Intimacy- Emotional connectedness 
• Consent- An agreement, ideally expressed enthusiastically and in the affirmative on an ongoing basis. 
• Vanilla- a wonderful flavor standard at almost all ice cream shops. Vanilla is used to describe sexual intercourse  that is standard for most people (i.e. missionary position, penis-vagina intercourse). People will also use the word "vanilla" to describe behaviors that seem "kinky" to some but are standard to themselves. Vanilla isn't necessarily bad, wrong, or boring. 
• Kink- a big umbrella term. One person may think sucking toes is "kinky" while another may think of the act as unremarkable. Kink is sometime synonymous with BDSM. Sometimes "a kink" is used to describe a specific sexual interest that is abnormal to the rest of general population (i.e. finding feet attractive, deriving pleasure from dressing in drag, enjoying urinating during sex, etc.)
• BDSM- BDSM is a 4 letter acronym standing for 6 words (Bondage Dominance, Discipline, Submission, Sadism, Masochism). A lifestyle based on principles of consent, mutuality, and sex positivity. People who practice BDSM may do so occasionally or constantly. People may engage in one or more of the letters of BDSM and the may not participate in all types of play related to each letter.
  • D&S- Dominance/ Submission or Dominant/Submissive
  • S&M- Sadism-Masochism or sado-masochism
  • Subspace/ Topspace- Altered mind state caused by endorphins where pain is harder to register and decision-making is compromised. Some people will describe a state of ecstasy where they were floating on a cloud. 
  • Scene- An agreed upon interaction between two or more consenting adults that may or may not be done for sexual pleasure and may or may not include sex. In BDSM the beginning is often marked by "negotiation" where all parties discuss wants, interests, responsibilities, and needs before consenting to the scene. Safewords or safe signals may be established in order to stop the scene early if need be (i.e. red light/ yellow light/ green light, pineapples, mercy etc.). The middle of the interaction is described as "play," and sexual activities are discouraged from being renegotiated in the middle of an ongoing scene. The end is characterized by "aftercare" or coming down.
    • Negotiation- Prior discussion of sexual preferences before engaging in sex or play.
    • Play-To interact with a partner or partners within a "scene." Play may or may not include intercourse or sexual activities (i.e. a Dom requires a Sub to scrub clean a bathtub in order to earn privileges). Commonly used as a reference to kinky activity, (i.e., flogging, sensory deprivation, role play, cross-dressing, bondage, etc.) May include a specifier to designate the type of kink activity (i.e. fire play, piss play, anal play, needle play, knife play, rope play, etc.)
    • Aftercare- The end portion of a scene wherein parties discusses satisfaction levels, mishaps, likes, dislike of the scene prior. Aftercare is used to "come down" from an experience and is a form of self-care. May also include cuddling, intimate exchanges, being wrapped in blankets, reassurance of commitment to partner, medical care, and other comforts. 
  • Play Parties-A public or private place used to gather consenting adults in specific interactions related to polyamory, BDSM, or other types of scenes. Sexual intercourse may not be allowed as is often the case of Cuddle Parties. Play parties often will occur in dungeons but may also occur in other rented spaces, or a person's home. Each party (Girl Pile at secret locations, Meat Market at The Citadel, etc.) will have their own rules which are followed by all attending.
  • Munch- A social event at a nuetral location such as a restaurant for people of varying interests and experience levels to discuss kink. Sometimes alcohol is served. Sometimes the event happens around lunch time. 
  • Dungeon- An event space where kinky people can go to practice their skills, mix, mingle and often times have sex. Dungeons quite often differentiate themselves from sex clubs (i.e. Power Exchange, where sex is the primary objective. Dungeons are community spaces where BDSM is the focus and intercourse may happen but is secondary to other types of kinky sexual activities. Dungeons provide privacy and take some measures to protect the confidentiality of adults who come to play (i.e. Black Thorn, The Catalyst, The Citadel). Dungeons usually provide props and mechanical rigs that most people do not have access to in their homes (i.e. Saint Andrew crosses, benches, cages, floggers.) Dungeons are sometimes open outside of scheduled play parties for people to practice new skills in a safe space. Dungeons employ volunteers and paid staff to assist and intervene in play when necessary (i.e. cutting people down if they become dangerously entangled in rope, providing basic first aid for cuts, to assist in asserting someone's boundaries, to interrupt other inappropriate behaviors).

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Fetishism- a pattern of sexual behavior that doesn't necessarily qualify as a mental disorder. The latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, known in the mental health community by the abbreviation DSM 5, partially redefines the symptoms that qualify for a fetishistic disorder diagnosis. 

• Paraphilias-A sub-category of fetishism. The DSM 5 also differentiates between fetishistic disorder and fetishism. Some people may find themselves turned on by wearing underwear designed for the opposite sex (i.e transvestism). Others may find themselves turned on by the idea of exposing themselves to other (i.e. exhibitionism) or looking at others (i.e. voyeurism). Some paraphilias do not have to rise to the level of harm to others or criminal activity but when perpetrated against someone who cannot or did not consent, then the behavior becomes disordered (i.e. pedophilia when an adult has attraction to children, but progresses to coercing a child to engage in sexual activity). 
• Fetishistic Disorder- is a mental health condition that centers sexual satisfaction on the employment of inanimate objects or the fulfillment of sexual fantasies or urges. Some common inanimate objects are leather, latex, and shoes (i.e. deriving pleasure from the smell of latex alone without needing to engage in sex). Mental health professionals only diagnose fetishism as disordered when it causes distress or problems within the person's functioning (i.e. the person has lost all interest in pursuing a sexual relationship with their spouse and prefers only engaging in latex play to the detriment of their marriage.)
• Sexual Objectification- Treating a human being as an object devoid of feelings or disregarding their needs in order to use their identity as a prop within a scene. People of marginalized communities may describe being abused within the context of sexual identity or ethnic identity as being "fetishized." (i.e. a white person engaging in race play by calling their black partner "Negress" but not negotiating master/slave dynamics up front, a black man being stereotyped for having a large penis and therefore being sexually aggressive, a trans-person being accosted for paid sex). However, when these acts are agreed upon prior to play with full understanding of the risk and impact of the play on the marginalized person, then the "fetishization" is considered to be part of consensual sex.

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Step 2: Think of your Sexuality as a Social Media Page

When I conduct workshops on learning good boundaries about sex and sexting, I always have a conversation with my audience about branding. Everyone has a personal brand and teens are especially good at developing their own personal brand. Think about how you present yourself on Instagram or Facebook. When you take a photo you make sure that your eyes are open, your clothes are put together, and that you look attractive. Any photo that doesn't make the cut, doesn't get posted. Some of us will make a person snap a dozen photos before we land on the right one!

Sexting is another way people show off their personal brand without knowing it. We sext are lovers expecting them to be excited or turned on by our pics but do not always weigh the risk of what we would do if the photos became public. I usually encourage the audience, often teens at this point to consider, what they would want their crush to say about their picture to others. Consider that many people show pictures of their new love interest to their friends for feedback. Most of us are mortified about intimate parts of ourselves becoming public. This should give us pause. What if our crush showed their friend a sext? What would we want our crush to say? "Hey. Do you think they are ____ (cute, fun, hot, etc) we want them to point out our talents, to see us be passionate about a social justice issue, to notice how strong and healthy we look when exercising, to admire our work achievements, to see how well travelled we are, or to laugh at our clapbacks. When you land on the picture that represents your attractive side, think "what does this say about who I am?"
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Take those values and consider how you would like to be seen in bed. The side of ourselves we present to our crush's friend may not be the side of ourselves we present to our lover in bed. However, you can often still find an identity in how you like to have sex-- roses and candles might mean you're a romantic. Your sense of activism might come out in the types of clothes you wear, as some sexual presentation are in defiance of societal expectations. For example, not many women are bald by choice, and not many masculine presenting people rock bangles and eyeliner.

By the end of the exercise, we usually have a list of descriptors specific to how we would like to be perceived that is not unlike developing a personal brand of sexuality. (And hopefully not as much reliance on nudes to turn our crushes on)

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Step 3: Put in the Research

​Now that you have a growing idea of who you are as a sexual being, you must figure out what you like. So put in the research! You might listen to podcasts on sex, love, dating, and relationships to get new ideas. You might attend a workshop offered by a community agency, LGBTQ center, or as posted on the website FetLife to educate yourself further. Classes on specific sexual activities are also posted online at erobay.com and Eventbrite. Read books by certified or licensed professionals who are more likely to give you accurate information about your body, your identity, and its responses. Go to therapy if you have a traumatic experience like an unhealthy relationship preventing you from actualizing your best self. Finally, you can visit your local sex toy shop for books, advice, safer sex practices, leather wear, and a lot more than sex toys and pronographic videos. 

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Porn tends to be the first teacher for many of us. It is now our responsibility as adults to seek out paid porn on feminist and queer websites instead of downloading whatever we can find on PornHub and Google. What makes a porn site "feminist" you may ask. Generally, feminist porn sites try to combat sexual exploitation by making sure all material uploaded is of paid, voluntary actors. Feminist porn tends to avoid the "male gaze," or shots that make men sole actors on female bodies used as props in hetero-normative sex. In feminist porn, pleasure is often mutual and sex scenes frequently have more realistic plots. Varying body types may be depicted and sex will not center on just a male identified lead. Queer sites follow many of the same principles and are geared towards LGBTQ people, but will also depict opposite-sex couples and vanilla sex. Queer porn is more likely to have actors who are actually queer and into the type of sex that they are depicting on screen so that there is a greater level of authenticity. 

The moral of the story is that we are all uniquely sexy. We are on a journey of no distance to find our best sexual selves. What may be sexy for one person may no appeal to the next and that is okay. If you like what you've read but want additional guidance to unpack your sexuality concerns...

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