1. The Face of the #TimesUp Movement Is Not WhiteI hate white feminism. It's the exclusionary brand of feminism that thinks able-bodied, straight, cis-gendered, middle class, Caucasian experiences of sexism apply to everyone. Oprah calls out white feminism without labelling it white feminism when she honors the life of Recy Taylor. Recy Taylor was gang-raped during a hate crime decades ago but died this year at the ripe age of 97. While this might seem like a story of the distant past, black women are raped and murdered weekly in this country because they are also queer or trans in numbers not comparable to white counterparts. Black women, in particular, may be harassed on the job, because they are black as well as female. The harassment might contain both racist and sexist slurs. The harassment may not be believed because black women are not thought to be capable of being raped. The Mammy stereotype leaves us sexless. The Jezebel stereotype paints us as wanting all sexual advances, even if the advances are violence. The Sapphire stereotype depicts us as brash enough to fight off all unwanted attention. The Superwoman stereotype who works three shifts comes home tired and abused but does it in the name of her children leave us depressed.
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1/2/2018 0 Comments Masturbation for the Sexual Abuse Survivor: 6 Major Mistakes and 6 Minor Adjustments1. Believing Your AbuserSome survivors of childhood sexual abuse have a negative association with masturbation because an abuser used it as justification to harm them or because they have experienced being forced to participate in other's masturbatory acts. Reclaim your pleasure! Solo Sex is the ultimate safe sex practice because it will not result in unintended pregnancies, STIs, or exploitations. Masturbation is one tool that you can use during solo sex or partnered sex (including watching porn, reading smut, and fantasizing among many activities). Masturbation can be done on your own terms, for your own benefit. It is revolutionary to relearn sex as a healthy experience free of exploitation.
Survivors of abuse have to take extra care not to check out. So they should ground themselves by starting slow and working up to masturbation later. First, survivors should get to know their genitalia. Look at your genitals in a mirror. Tell yourself you're beautiful (repeat it multiple time with emphasis on different words until it sounds true). If you cannot masturbate without checking out or getting triggered, start with gently holding a hand over your genitals and breathe slowly. Send positive healing energy from your breath down to your vulva or penis. Rinse and Repeat. Be kind to yourself. Be your own healer. Next look at your genitals in a mirror. Send warm loving thoughts it's way. Sketch it out on paper even. Look at all the colors, blemishes, scars, and folds. They are uniquely you and they are uniquely sexy! 12/28/2017 0 Comments 10 Wack Reasons to Have a ThreesomeThis notions that threesomes are a Christmas gift to married men who behave irks me for multiple reasons: 1. You're using it as a reward or a deterrentIs this threesome a transaction or home training? Like a doggy treat that will get him to sit- sit at home for three more months, without cheating. Is this to buy yourself some peace of mind because you do back flips to keep him from being emotionally abusive to you, but you still cannot consistently predict his moods? I promise you that a threesome will not make him behave in these situations. It's more likely that the threesome will give him permission to do more of the same. This one is specifically for my straight women in the audience, especially black women who have internalized the harmful racist and sexist myth that "What I won't do, Becky will." Hint...We Must Include Intimate Partner Violence & Cyber-stalking.When I started doing batters intervention work and providing sexual assault advocacy services, we in the field often talked about stalking through use of technology like GPS tracking systems as though they were rare, new-aged gizmos that only some abusers knew how to use. Now everyone has a GPS system on their phones, and these capabilities are built into several common social media apps. Stalking in "real life" was otherwise characterized as harassment at work, being followed home, and sending unwanted letters. Repeated sexting and texting was also just starting to be recognized as grounds for violating protection orders and the like. However, in today's age, what happens online informs what happens offline. Everyone has a smartphone, and even the most unsophisticated stalker-abuser knows how to use one. Cyber-stalking is not its own form of stalking, it is inherent to stalking in general. To be honest, the old definition is the new definition but now we need to create safety plans and therapy services that address stalking online and offline at the same damn time. |
AuthorSexpert & psychotherapist, Quandra Chaffers, presents Sass-y comments on love, health, and relationships--Comments too tangential or racy for the therapy room. Archives
June 2021
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